My three daughters often go on trips to friends or family houses without me or my wife present. Inevitably they come back and we hear how amazing and respectful they are. Now, I believe this is true. I also wonder where that behavior is at our house. My kids often debate with us, have big feelings, and fight with each other… a lot. I used to think that this was a sign that they didn’t respect us as parents, or that I was doing something wrong. What if it has nothing to do with lack of respect and everything to do with an abundance of emotional safety. My children know they can be everything they are and everything they are not with us. So, they do. We get to experience all of the bits of life with our children because we have created a safe space for them to exist.

Afterschool programs are where children gather after a long day of structured learning, social jostling and energy expulsion. Young people’s behavior can vary from exhausted to exhausting, with all manner of possibilities in between. This unpredictable nature creates a consistent desire for behavior management strategies from OST professionals. However, what if we shift perspectives to the thought that these very issues could illuminate something quite positive: a safe environment where belonging and positive adult relationships are present.

Afterschool programs are communities where children can unwind, socialize, and explore their interests in a more relaxed setting. The presence of behavior issues, whether they involve conflicts, big emotions, or even quieter displays of discomfort, often indicate that children feel a level of emotional safety. Young people often live in a world of adult power, where it is safer for them to suppress their feelings. When we release the need for behavior management strategies and instead focus on practices that allow for youth voice, encourage conversation, and move away from adult power, we provide a safe space for emotional expression. When a child feels safe enough to display authentic emotions, it demonstrates that they trust the environment and the adults present enough to show their true emotions.

Authenticity is a trait often undervalued in traditional educational settings. Conformity, standards and pressure can start to chip away at a young person’s individuality. Afterschool programs that view challenging behaviors as a part of the growth process encourage children to be true to themselves. Authenticity boosts self-esteem and nurtures a sense of belonging in your programs.

When we release the need for behavior management strategies, we can instead present valuable opportunities for learning and growth. The presence of conflicts and emotional outbursts gives children a chance to develop critical skills in emotional regulation, conflict resolution, and empathy. These skills are not only pivotal for their social development but also for their future success in navigating relationships and challenges in adulthood.

The way adults respond to behavior issues is important for relationship-building as well. These responses create the community within the afterschool program. When educators and program leaders approach these moments with empathy, patience, and a focus on understanding rather than anger, they foster a supportive community where children learn that their emotions are valid and their concerns are heard.

While the desire for behavior management strategies may never go away, how we approach the actual behavior can change. While it is understandable that challenging behaviors can feel “bad” or “wrong,” what if the presence of these behaviors is actually a sign of a healthy and nurturing environment? What if it meant children feel safe to exhibit authentic emotions and feelings? What if it showed they are not only learning essential life skills but also benefiting from the supportive community that surrounds them?

As educators and caregivers, we have a choice. We can approach these situations with dread and a feeling of disrespect. Or, we can embrace these moments as opportunities for growth and a sign that children can flourish emotionally, socially, and academically in your program. What if we did not see youth behaviors as problems to be solved and controlled? What if instead we viewed these same behaviors as signs of a program's success in creating an environment where children feel safe to show their true emotions. By using empathy and understanding as our go-to behavior management strategies, we can ensure that afterschool programs continue to serve as invaluable spaces where children thrive.